One week ago, I went through what was to be a simple procedure to remove a cyst in my neck which has caused increased periodic neck swelling within the last year. It was to be day surgery resulting in a 3 inch incision. As we all know, complications arise with any type of medical procedure and the removal of the cyst encompassed removal of extensive tissue as well as lymph glands which required a 12 inch incision and a 3 day hospital stay.
So, I am saying all of that to get to this point that I am now 1 week out from surgery and still pretty much in considerate pain with some diminished swelling, and a pretty long road ahead. While I am grateful to my expert surgeon for getting it all out and for the wonderful care of the nursing staff at the hospital, my bouncing back is not as optimistic as I had hoped.
As I have laid here pondering why this is different from past hospitalizations or medical events, I have to say I have narrowed it down to the fact that this is the first time in my life that I have not had my mom by my side telling me that it is going to be o.k. And for me, that makes all of the difference in the world. Since she passed away in June of 2016, there have been many times when I have gone to the phone to tell her something and realizing, she is not there.
Well that is what this recovery is like. I miss her being there to tell me I am going to get better. I miss having her worry about me and calling to check on me throughout the day. While everything else is progressing with me, that part is a huge void in my healing process.
No friend, no doctor, no other family member can fill that piece that is missing. And I have have some wonderful support from family and friends, who I cherish. I have had so many cards, phone calls, visits, people checking in, food drop offs, etc. I know I am blessed. But for a moment, to address all of my friends that have lost their parents, you know my pain. You get it. I apologize to you for not showing more empathy as you went through life’s challenges while dealing with the ongoing loss of a parent. I apologize for all the times I have told others that time will help heal you with your grief. That is not fully true. I was speaking from ignorance. Time will not take away the ache of loss. We just have to find new ways to deal with the void.
So while I know that I will get better and that my body will be restored, my heart and soul will take a bit longer. Restoration will not happen, but adjustment will become my new norm. I will take solace in knowing that God is healing me physically and is giving me peace and comfort in dealing with my loss. I have new chapters of life unfolding and I have new ventures ahead. And while new doors are opening, it is taking a bit longer to step through them and leave the comfort that I once knew and had.
Mama always told me “I didn’t come here to stay”. While I know that is true cerebrally, emotionally my heart just is not ready to accept that she is gone. The part of me that will always need her, must push on. So while I sit here getting stronger and better each day, I will thank God that I have wonderful memories of the power of her touch.